The Psychotic Sealer
by Kakashi-and-Ibiki-are-Hot
Summary: Slightly crazy SI? Check. Bored gods looking for entertainment? Check. OP Game System? Check. Narutoverse where everything is (almost) awesome? Check. Messing with everyone? HECK YEAH! Warning, this is a SI in a non-canon AU Narutoverse! Crack! Yaoi (or at least BL - eventually)! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. Also, characters are probably OOC.
1. Chapter 1: For Your Entertainment

A/N: Warning! SI! AU! Non-canon! Yaoi! Main character genderswap! Crack! Don't read if you don't like! If you do then proceed with caution! I own nothing but my possessions and my SI who shall (literally) not be named! At least for now…

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**Chapter 1: For Your Entertainment**

I yawned tiredly as I opened my eyes, only to be greeted by darkness. Instantly I shot awake, looking around in panic as I searched for a sign of light, something, ANYTHING! _No! I can't be freaking blind! How am I supposed to read and play games and read and ohmyfreakinggoodness- _I stopped ranting as my eyes started to freak out. _Well, looks like I'm not blind. Yay!_ All I could see was static which started to gradually fade away until all that was left was darkness once again. _Don't tell me I'm dead…_

"**CONGRATULATIONS! YOU ARE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON "ENTERTAINMENT FOR THE GODS!""** A loud voice boomed monotonously.

"What the f-" I jumped in fright and began to curse, only to be cut off by the…robot?

"DO NOT INTERUPT! ANYWAYS, DUE TO OUR BOREDOM *AHEM* GENEROSITY YOU HAVE BEEN REWARDED WITH THE TRIP OF A LIFETIME AND CAN CHOOSE FROM VARIOUS POWERS TO LIVE AS YOU WISH."

Silence.

"Oookay, 'cuz this in really informative", I drawled sarcastically only to yell, "What the fudge are you talkin' about! I was perfectly fine at home! I'd rather go back, thank you very much!"

"**THERE IS A NO RETURN POLICY. AFTER RECEIVING SOME DATA, IT APPEARS THAT YOU ENJOY GAMES. YOUR NEW LIFE WILL ACT LIKE A GAME TO MAKE IT MORE ENJOYABLE. AS TO THE WORLD YOU WILL GO TO…"**

_Wait, were they reading my mind… this is no good! What if I get sent to an apocalypse? No good-_

"…**THE WORLD OF NARUTO."**

_Whew, crisis averted. Instead of killing zombies I'd be killing people which is WAY better. At least people don't stink like rotting corpses and I don't have to worry about turning into a zombie. Just have to worry about dying, being maimed, tortured, experimented on… yup, way better than an apocalypse!_

"**DUE TO THE FACT THAT THE CONTESTANT DISLIKES MANY PLOT POINTS IN THE ORIGINAL STORY, CONTESTANT WILL BE RELOCATED TO AN ALTERNATE NARUTOVERSE IN AN ATTEMPT *AHEM* TO MAKE THE CONTESTANT STAY ALIVE AS LONG AS POSSIBLE." **

Wait a minute. So I was going to be plunked down in an alternate Naruto universe with special ninja powers and would be able to actually interact with my favorite characters. But…

"So what's gonna happen with my family? I mean, if I can't go back… what about my body?" I asked worriedly.

"**YOUR BODY IS DEAD OF NATURAL CAUSES IN YOUR WORLD. AS YOU ARE CURRENTLY JUST A SPIRIT, A NEW BODY WILL BE PROVIDED FOR YOU FREE OF CHARGE. THE TUTORIAL IS NOW FINISHED. AS YOU HAVE READ ABOUT AND PLAYED GAMES YOU SHOULD KNOW WHAT TO DO. INITIALIZING GAME ELEMENT LIFE."**

Before I could register the new information I'd been given, my sight shifted into static and once again faded into darkness. The voice was gone but I was pretty sure I was still being watched. I mean, I was _just literally told I was in a reality program to entertain some gods_. I sighed with resignation. Well, I guess if I can't go back I might as well move on. "Status" I muttered and of course it freaking popped up with a *ding*.

* * *

**Name:** **?**

**Gender:** Male

**Age:** **17**

**Level:** **0**

**Health:** **57/57**

**Energy:** **200/200**

**STR:** **5**

**INT:** **15**

**WIS:** **10**

**DEX:** **15**

**AGI:** **6**

**CHA: 5**

**VIT:** **7**

**LUK:** **6**

**POINT SYSTEM UNAVAILABLE**

**TITLES**

***NEW* Joker of the Gods – **As one chosen by the gods to provide them with entertainment you naturally amuse and provide entertainment for others. Even with a poker face you're still hilarious.

**PERK SYSTEM UNAVAILABLE**

**SKILL SYSTEM UNAVAILABLE**

***NEW* LOTTERY is now available**

***NEW* QUESTS are now available.**

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I froze right after I took a glance at my stats. I was female, what the heck was up with this bullshit? Then I remember what GodBot had said. That I would get a new body… for free… damn! My mom had always told me that nothing in life was truly free. Good ol' mom… I'm gonna miss you. Well, I _did_ kind of like yaoi (okay, I liked it a lot). Maybe this wouldn't be so bad…

"Heeheehee…" I started giggling evilly, "It's going to be so much fun messing with people…"

*ding*

I jumped and stopped my scheming as I both heard and saw a notification pop up.

**The Trickster God finds a kindred spirit in you and is amused by your actions. Gained the title "Trickster's Entertainer." ** **50%** **Stealth and trapping bonus when playing pranks or laying down traps. Luck increases by 50%, and there is a random chance for an extremely lucky event to occur!**

Wow. I didn't have to do anything and already I'm getting a ton of cool bonuses. Hmm, I should probably see if I can get more. I am gonna be so badass! For now I'll check my quests. There'll be plenty of time in the future to get more titles from Gods (at least, I _hoped_).

**QUESTS**

**Spin the Wheel –** **Open up the lottery and use up 5 free spins.**

**Reward:** **Unlocks points, perks, and skills.**

"Lottery."

A large wheel popped up and blocked my vision. On it were different colored sections, flashing lights, a spin button and a "purchase more spins" button. Simple enough, and I notice that I indeed have five free spins. No more, no less. _Too bad I couldn't have more…_ _wonder if there are any cheats for that?_ I pushed the spin button, the wheel spun and eventually slowed and landed on a red and green section. A notification popped up along with two choices.

**Fuinjutsu Grandmaster –** **Become a grandmaster at sealing! As you are a grandmaster anything you write you can turn into a seal! The only downside is that people will be hunting you for your skills, and you will NEVER be able to do Taijutsu. MAX LV. FUINJUTSU!**

**Taijutsu Grandmaster –** **Become a grandmaster at Taijutsu! As a grandmaster you can destroy anything with the lightest touch! However, all seals baffle you and it will be IMPOSSIBLE to ever learn Fuinjutsu. That means storage seals, explosion seals… better find some more skills! MAX LV. TAIJUTSU!**

"Well… this isn't really much of a choice" I drawled to myself. "I can like do _anything_ with seals or be stuck fighting without a cool weapon. Not to mention that I DO NOT EVER want to think of anyone wearing green, just… ugh. So Fuinjutsu, I choose you!"

Hearing a what was starting to become familiar *ding*, I continued to spin the – hey, literal Wheel of Fortune! _Haha, that's just so hilarious! Or is it…_ This time the wheel stopped on a purple square and I was immediately assaulted by a prompt: **Congratulations! You are able to create an item that is related to one of your skills! Skill selected: FUINJUTSU LV. MAX. Enter a description of the item you wish to have created below!**

Looking up I nervously called out, "Um, hello? Uh, thanks for this gift and all that but I was wondering that aren't all of these things really OP?"

I waited for awhile but got no reply. I mean really, weren't a ton of gods supposed to be looking at me and laughing? Couldn't have GodBot sent a reply? I mean honestly, could any ninja ever- _Ohhhhhhh._ _I'm so stupid. How could I forget Sharingan hax? Unbreakable illusions, phasing through everything, creating giant skeleton monster thingy, copying like every jutsu ever… got it._

"Never mind!" I yelled looking up, "Thanks for the hax!" and was instantly greeted by – you got it – a *ding*.

**Many beings have found you silly yet charming. Gained the title "Lovable Idiot". Of course you're not really an idiot but you do act really silly sometimes. People understand that, and somehow find you sweet and…adorable? The only downside is that they call you… well, an idiot (with affection). 25% Charisma bonus.**

"Are you kidding me?" I screeched in horror.

There were bad titles? …Of course there were. Stupid game system. But it did make me wonder what sort of effects could be achieved by doing some bad deeds. _No! Don't think of things like that. Bad! Bad! Bad! Just enter what sort of seal thingy that you want in the little box._ Grinning, I began creating the most EPIC sealing item EVER.

**Name: Book of Seals**

**Description: An extraordinary book filled with sealing paper. Seals can be written on the pages which can then be ripped out and used as sealing tags, ripped out pages used as a whole, or just use it in book. Seals that have been used will be recorded and stored for easy replication. The book will never become filled as it uses storage and space-time seals to ensure that there are always blank pages. The item is bound to the user and does not take damage. At any time the user may change the appearance of the item. Item will disappear with the death of the user.**

***Note: Due to user being a fuinjutsu grandmaster, anything that is written or drawn on the pages of the item will be considered a seal.**

With a flash of white light a plain, non-descript book appeared strapped to my waist. Sure, a book covered in gems and gold would be awesome but I'd rather be as non-descript as possible. At least while I was still weak. After I became like level 1000, glitter all the way! Not. Horrible stuff, glitter is. Impossible to get it out, but great for playing tricks. Anyways, after spinning the wheel two more times I'd gotten two items. One was a set of silver daggers which were wicked sweet. They had a whopping attack of 50 along with a speed increase of 10. I also received a white robe which was very Assassin's Creedsy. The defense on it was 15 with really sick options (at least in my opinion).

**Anonymous – With the hood up your identity will be hidden and the only thing people will know about you is that you're a person. Or maybe a puppet. Or a ghost. Whatever. A mysterious figure…**

**Weak Point – Everything has weak points, alive or not. While equipped the wearer will be able to see areas that can be targeted to land critical hits. If you're so stupid you don't know where the heart or the neck is. Or other areas.**

Finally it was time for the last spin. Closing my eyes while listening to the spinning wheel I wished for a really OP trait or something to the effect. _If I'm going to be OP then I might as well embrace it. At least then I'd be able to do whatever I wanted. Kinda._ Hearing the wheel come to a stop, I opened my eyes and hesitantly looked at the notification.

**The system has discovered a trait that's been hidden to the user. Currently unlocking…**

"Alright!" I whooped. "Jackpot!"

**Unlocked a new title! Mentally Unstable – You can try and fight it, but you can't hide it! Thoughts and emotions jumping all over the place, you're a mess! Consciously or unconsciously, at least once a day you will say or do something that will disturb others. **

"&*( $& % &$ $&^* $ *&!*!"

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Hey everybody! Well, I finally posted my first story! *one person claps* Thanks for reading and feel free to comment. As I said at the beginning, this is supposed to be a crack and should not be taken seriously. I'll try to update weekly at least. Have a great day (or night) and catch ya later!


	2. Chapter 2: Transportation & Realization

Welp, here comes the plot! I think. Like I said before, only my SI belongs to me. This is a non-canonical alternate universe where yaoi goodness is loved (and shall be mentioned…eventually…not right now…) so DON"T READ IF YOU DON"T LIKE! Everyone else, please enjoy!

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**Chapter 2: Transportation & Realization**

"&*( $& % &$ $&^* $ *&!*! +!"

"How _dare you!_" I screeched up towards the heavens. "Just because I can change subjects really fast _does not _mean I'm f-"

*ding*

**The Censor God is very displeased by your language. From now on all swear words emitted by user will be censored with the classical *beep*. Have fun trying to explain this to someone else. Enjoy making up new swears!**

"Are you *beep* kidding me?! Well *beep* you and your *beep* powers, you *beeeeeeeeep*" I screamed in rage, horrified when instead of words I just heard *beeps*.

_Just great. How the heck would I be able to swear without getting REALLY weird looks? I guess I'll have to swear without swearing?_ I was just about to start experimenting with what words I could and couldn't say when I was assaulted by a ton of notifications accompanied by *dings*. _Damn that was annoying._

**NEW *Quest: Spin the Wheel COMPLETE!***

***POINTS UNLOCKED!***

***SKILLS UNLOCKED!***

***PERKS UNLOCKED!***

***NEW* MANDATORY QUEST!**

**Congratulations completing your first quest (not really a quest…)! Customization may continue once user relocates to the other world. Please enter the name you wish to go by, then read and accept the terms of agreement.**

"So quickly?" I murmured in surprise.

I mean _really_, which games tosses you in during the middle of character creation? _Not any that I know of… but then again, I don't – didn't play many games_. _Damn._ _I don't think the world of Naruto has any video games…_ then again, _sealing!_ You could pretty much do anything with seals, I didn't know why no one really bothered to learn them. I mean, you could do _anything_. ANYTHING. Anyways, back to naming… well in my previous life my name started with a K. I'd still like to have a K name, so let's see… aha!

I quickly entered the perfect name - **Kai**. Short and sweet, and it was similar enough to my previous name that it wouldn't take long to get used to. It was also Japanese and came with an added bonus; shouting "Kai" dispersed genjutsu as it literally meant "dispel" or "reversal". Pretty nifty trick I got just by saying my name. And if I ever got teammates (which seems really unlikely with some of the titles I've been getting) all they'd ever have to do was shout my name if they were ever suspicious of being trapped in an illusion. _In fact, all they'd have to do is shout my name all the time and they'd be pretty much unstoppable..._

After confirming my new name a new box appeared with literally a mile-long list of terms of agreement. No way was I ever gonna read all that technical jargon, so I just decided to skim over it. _No returns…one time use body…one-way trip…accepting all given powers…. _Well, from what I read the list seemed legit enough so without trepidation I hit accept. Just as before my vision turned to static which faded into darkness, leaving only a progress bar and a few words.

**Transportation activated…please wait…**

Eventually the bar filled up and I was left in total darkness. Then there was nothing.

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I woke up lying on the… ground? Strands of what seemed to be grass tickled my face with a gentle breeze and I could feel the warm sun on my skin. It was…peaceful. _Yawn, maybe I should just rest for a while. _THEN some FREAKING birds had to start cawing and chirping away.

Jolting up I roared "Damn birds! *beep* off and *beep* chirp elsewhere!"

The air was immediately filled with the noises of flapping wings and then silence prevailed, once again returning the area to a tranquil state. Squinting, I slowly opened my eyes to take a look at my surroundings. I was in a small clearing surrounded by trees. Not big-ass trees, so I couldn't be too close to Konoha. So that left… well heck, I could pretty much be anywhere. Except Water as there was none to be seen. Just trees… literally thousands of trees.

Shrugging my shoulders I decided to see if I could finish up my customization. After all I was in the middle of a freakin' forest so I should be fine unless some giant creature decided to attack. I mean, I still didn't know if the world paused or if I did when I customized my options. I was _so_ not going to try it in the middle of a fight, thank you very much. I just got this new life and I didn't really want it to end quite yet. _After all, _I thought smugly, _I still have to have… ahem, fun with some hot ninjas. _So without hesitation I opened up my stats box. In hindsight, it probably wasn't the best thing to do.

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Two figures were walking unhurriedly through the trees, calmly stepping over fallen logs and pushing aside branches.

"- and then she gave me some of her recipes. I'll have to try them out as soon as we get back" said a woman's voice enthusiastically.

"Hmm," came the reply from her male companion.

"It looks like there's a clearing up ahead. We can stop there and eat the bentos that I packed!" the woman chirped, bounding into the aforementioned clearing.

Her companion sighed before scanning the area for life. Even though they were in a remote forest - you couldn't be too careful. He sighed again, in frustration this time. She knew better than to run off like that, but they _had_ just completed a rather long mission. Perhaps it was time to take a break-

"Hey, there's a really cute kid here! Can we keep it, pleeease?"

Instantly alert he appeared at his partner's side to see her gently holding a small figure in her arms. Ripping the person out of her arms and ignoring his partner's cries of shock, he teleported them to a nearby tree as he frantically scanned the area for any signs of attack or ambush. Just like before there was no one around. Relaxing, he released his tight grip on his companion.

"I sense no other chakra signatures in the area," he informed her as she scowled at him.

"You could have hurt the chibi!" She complained, and then paled as realization crossed her face "You better not!" she shouted as she darted back towards the clearing.

"Well, it wasn't breathing so I doubt I could've hurt it any worse," he said dryly while following his panic-stricken partner, only to stop in his tracks as he saw his partner bending down to… _kiss the kid?_

"What… are you… doing?" he asked in a strangled tone.

"Mouth to mouth," she replied matter-of-factly "The kid still has a pulse!"

The man groaned as he face-palmed in frustration. Mentally cursing, he wished for once that things would go his way. He was supposed to be the leader, dammit! What had he done to deserve this?

* * *

Frowning, I looked at my stats. Since I had unlocked my skills and perks I wanted to check them out, but there was nothing _freaking_ there! I could get having no skills since I literally just started but what about my perks? My skill points? Fuming, I looked for a help box. If I had a game system I should be able to get technical support. _Found it!_ Grumbling under my breath I spammed my questions while waiting for a response. _After all, it must be a glitch. In a game you always start out with points so those stupid gods must have just did this wrong_. _Hey, a reply!_ Pleasantly surprised by the speedy answer, I began to read the notice only to start cursing.

**Points will be given as rewards for completing quests or leveling up. Perks will be listed as soon as the user earns perk points. Good luck, young shinobi.**

What the hell was wrong with this system?! Interruptions during customization, no point allocations – heck, I didn't even know how strong my stats were! _Uh oh..._ Paling, I typed furiously demanding to know how my stats were compared to others. _I swear…_

**Genins usually have around 20 points for each skill stat.**

That was it. I was doomed. With my measly stats and even sadder health, there was no way I'd be able survive. All I'd have to do is stub my toe and I'd die. Pathetic. Here I was, in an awesome alternate version of Naruto and I was doomed to die alone in a forest. _Well, I might as well exit from the system and enjoy my last moments. _Sighing, I exited the system only to freeze in surprise.

I was being... held? And something soft and warm was touching my lips, it was almost like – _what!?_ Opening my eyes in shock, I sputtered and pushed someone off of me. Distantly, I could hear voices talking but I was too busy scrubbing at my lips in an attempt to get rid of germs. I had _no_ idea what sort of diseases plagued this world, but I was _so _not gonna get mono or anything else. _Yuck._

"See! I told you the chibi was alive! It's okay, nee-san will take care of you!"

"What?!"

Ignoring the strangers, I held my lips and then sniffed as I was hit with a horrible realization. A horrible, _horrible_ realization. Shakily, I blurted out "You stole my first kiss!" and then promptly burst into tears.

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**A/N: Guess who just showed up! Mwahahaha… and the fun begins!**

**I'd like to thank my readers and followers. Thanks for supporting my first story (even though it may be the _teensiest_ bit crazy). Even I understand that my story jumps around (but I'll just say it works since the MC is unstable). I do plan to write some others in the future but I don't think they'll be as crazy, so enjoy the craziness while it lasts!**

**Also, the next update may be earlier or later, as my work hours are changing for the summer. Don't worry, I WILL KEEP UPDATING!**


	3. Chapter 3: Kidnappings & Jinxes

**Behold! The next chapter! I own nothing but Kai and the plot (is there really a plot?). Also, please read my author's note at the end for an important message. Happy Canada Day and Fourth of July!**

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**Chapter 3: Kidnappings & Jinxes**

I hunched over, shaking as sobs wracked my body. Why? _Why? _Why did I have to have my first kiss with a girl? *dramatic crying* _And it wasn't even consensual. I was going to use my first kiss on Kakashi, or Minato, or Ibiki, or Zabuza, or – heck, anyone but a girl! And she wasn't even that hot!_ An arm wrapped around my shoulders, dragging me out of my inner mourning. I looked up with tear-filled eyes to see a woman with indigo hair looking down at me kindly.

"It's alright sweetie," she soothed, patting my head, "it doesn't count. I just did it to save you, I wasn't actually kissing you."

_Like hell it didn't count! And what's up with this, fate? I spent twenty years in my past life with no boyfriends and the moment I get dumped into another world I get kissed? This makes no sense…_ Scowling, I pouted and turned away from the woman. It counted. It sure as heck counted. But…

Speaking in the most pitiful voice I could muster, I asked "Nee-san? Um… if there's a guy I like in the future… could you help me… kiss him?"

I turned around and fidgeted nervously, all the while giving her my best puppy dog eyes. The woman looked taken aback, but then literally melted. _I knew those years of practicing would pay off!_ Smiling kindly, she pulled me close for a hug.

"Of course I'll help, sweetie," she responded naively. She had _no_ idea that I was going to make her keep her word. _Big time._

Speaking of big… why was she so damn tall? I quickly peeked over her shoulder to size up the dude standing behind her. He was pretty tall, too. _Wait a minute… something's not adding up here… I'm pretty sure Naruto didn't have the Land of Giants… oh no…_

"Nee-san, how old do you think I am?" I demanded angrily.

"Aww", she cooed as I was squeezed again, "you're the sweetest ten-year-old I've ever seen! Squee!"

I stood limply in her arms, too shocked to even care how I was being treated like a stuffed animal. No. There had to be a mistake. My status clearly said that I was seventeen, yet here I was clearly much smaller than everyone else. Eye twitching, I quickly opened up and then immediately closed my character page. _I don't need another mouth-to-mouth repeat._ What I found spoke for itself:

**Height: 4'11'' (1.5m)**

I let out a muffled whimper. This was the absolute worst thing that could ever happen. Ever. I could almost take not being able to see my family again. I could take being turned into a dude. But I could not take _being tiny and mistaken for a kid!_ I had always been tall. On Earth I was only two inches shy of six feet and could always reach the top shelves in the kitchen. Heck, at work people had always asked me for help to get things from high up. But now… would I be able to even get things out of a cupboard?

"I'm gonna hunt down those gods and kill them," I muttered under my breath, "Just as long as my levels aren't capped."

Ignoring the multiple *dings* I looked up at the woman who was practically squishing me to death, informing her I was technically seventeen. Only to have her blink once, and then squeeze me with more enthusiasm all the while exclaiming that I was "so cute wanting to grow up". _Bleh._ _Please, someone save me from this woman. I like hugs, but I think I'm gonna crack a rib here…_ As if reading my mind (_gods, I hope not_) her partner stepped forward and spoke up, saving me from the overly clingy lady.

"What is a child doing alone in the middle of a forest?" he asked suspiciously.

The woman let go of me as I contemplated over what to say. I mean really, I couldn't exactly go around telling people that a bunch of gods dropped me off in the middle of nowhere for shits and giggles. Shrugging, I decided to tell the truth.

"I don't know how I got here. All I know is that I'm in this _freaking_ forest and that my family is gone."

The purple-haired woman gasped and gripped me in a bear hug all the while murmuring comforting words. I think that was what she was doing, but I was more interested in what her male companion thought of me. He was the leader, and I _did_ know enough about Naruto to know who they were. As far as I knew there was only one purple-haired kunoichi and orange-haired shinobi duo. _However,_ I mused, _they do look kind of young… is it pre-Shippuden?_

Shaken out of my thoughts, I looked up (_because I'm FREAKIN' TINY_) just in time to hear one of the best, or possibly worst idea I've heard of.

"I'm keeping the kid and that's that!" the woman declared, "and don't give me that look! There's no way I'm leaving a cute chibi to get eaten by wild animals!"

"I'm Konan, and my partner is Na- Pein. What's your name, cutie?" she asked me gently.

I decided to ignore her slip up, and shouted "I'm Kai!" while wriggling in an attempt to break free from her vise-like grip. Good lord was she _strong_. Then again it might be because I'm so _weak_.

Naga- oops, Pein was angrily protesting and kept on spewing things like how I could be a spy and such, but neither of us paid any attention to him. After all, Konan seemed to be enamored by my apparent "cuteness" while I was too busy trying to escape. The key word was trying. It soon became very clear that unless I leveled up quite a bit, I was doomed to be squished.

At some point during my struggles I found that Konan had picked me up and that we were now traveling. _For god's sake woman, I'm five feet tall!_ And- wait a minute, did I just get kidnapped? _But is it really a kidnapping if you're an adult trapped in a teen's body?_ _Hmm, food for thought._ _Hey! Does that mean I'm going to be living with the Akatsuki now? Sweet! But if Konan and Pein are this young I doubt that they have all the members yet. Probably only the earliest members are there…_

Looking around, I scowled as I found out that we weren't moving at ninja speed. I mean, if you're in the middle of freaking nowhere with no ninjas around then why not? I'd ask them to speed up but I didn't want to seem like a kid any more than I had to. Something that would be almost impossible to do as I've always acted like a kid and NOW I'M TINY! Damn. Well, if I'm going to be stuck being carried then I might as well do something productive.

"Nee-san, I'm gonna do that thing again. It might look like I'm dead but I'm not. It's like a kek… kekki… kekki genki or something like that. So don't kiss me again. I only like boys."

Ignoring her as she stopped in surprise, I went and disappeared into the depths of my mind. At least, I was pretty sure that was where my system was located. And hopefully when I exited I wouldn't wake up to someone kissing me again. _Then again if Pein kissed me I don't think that I'd mind it too much…_ I was promptly greeted with a bunch of notifications, some of which leaving me pale and shaking in fear.

* * *

***NEW SKILL CREATED***

**CHARM (LV 0) – Acting cute gets you nowhere, or does it? Pouting, begging, and casting impossibly huge eyes like a certain feline in boots could help you get ahead in life. Smile at your enemies and then be adopted by them! Don't try this at home, kids (warning, some individuals are impossible to charm).**

* * *

***NEW SKILL CREATED***

**MANIPULATION (LV 0) – By figuring out a person's character you're able to control them like a puppet! Blackmail, deceit, and even torture are a few of the tools that you can use to twist others to your will. But just because you can manipulate them doesn't mean that people don't know what you're doing. Use at your own risk.**

* * *

***NEW QUEST RECEIVED "GODSLAYER" ***

**Your anger knows no bounds and no being is safe from you, not even the gods! Level up, get your life in control and then take a nice stress-relieving vacation in the godly realm. Let it rain blood!**

**REWARD: ?**

* * *

**Gained the title "Jinx". You are a menace to yourself and your surroundings. Most of the things you say will come true, so beware! As such, people will keep their distance out of fear of being cursed. Pretty useful for when you want to know the winning lotto numbers.**

* * *

**Gained the condition "Level Cap". User's level is capped at 50 until further notice. **

* * *

Getting skills just by talking was awesome, but WHAT'S UP WITH THAT QUEST! I'm a beginner! And that's like a SSSSS quest at least, if not more! I looked around frantically for the decline button and rapidly spammed it only for a dozen identical notifications to pop up.

* * *

**The quest "GODSLAYER" is a mandatory quest. Decline function is unavailable unless hidden objectives are met.**

* * *

"Arghh!" I screamed in rage, on the verge of ripping out my hair.

I was going to die. And then getting capped at level 50? I had no idea how strong that was but if I was going to do that suicidal quest I'd probably need like level 1000 or something crazy like that. _And seeing how that's not going to happen any time soon… I wonder if a couple of perks would fix this up, along with all the glitches in the system._ Hmm, oh well. Can't be helped.

I tried looking around some more in my system only to realize that there wasn't much else. Spent my free spins in the lotto, perks were still greyed out and I had no stat points to distribute. Oh! I should check out how I look! Grinning excitedly, I opened my character page and voila – the new me!

...wow. Putting aside the fact that I was tiny, I was TOTALLY ADORABLE! I could totally see why Konan kept attacking me with hugs. I was a Hatsune Miku mini-me complete with blue twin tails and everything! The only difference I could see was that my face was slightly more elongated… I could totally pull off crossdressing. _But is it really crossdressing since I have a girl's mind in a boy's body…_ damn, I should stop with the philosophical thoughts.

Looking at my new body I could only smirk in amusement. At least the gods had gotten one thing right- my hair was now my favorite color. Maybe they weren't so bad after all… then I remembered my titles, my new height, that quest… yup, still furious. Never mind. But they sent me to a Narutoverse so it had to count for something, right? Oh yeah, a mosquito could probably suck the life out of me… you know, that god-killing quest is starting to look _a whole lot_ better…

* * *

**A/N: First, thanks for reading my story. It's feels good to know that there are people reading this no matter how few their numbers may be. You're very important to me! **

**Anyways, I would like to give you all notice that I may not be able to post this story for the next month or so. I don't have internet at home *everyone dies in shock* so I upload from the local library. Only problem, the library will be renovating so they are moving to a different location. So from July 7 to July 18 for sure I probably won't be able to post. However, that won't stop me from writing so when I do manage to get online again there should be a couple of new chapters to upload. I might be able to sneak another chapter in next week, but if not I'll see you later! I hope… **

***smiling and crying* Please don't leave me….**


	4. Chapter 4: Falling For You

**I apologize for not posting in a while. One of my *beep* of a coworker decided to quit and left me to clean up the mess. Fun. I also got my first Monster Hunter game, so… yeah. I think that kind of speaks for itself. Not only that, but I managed to download the fanfiction app so… saying I've been busy reading is putting it mildly.**

**Note – I have a basic idea of the Akatsuki timeline but that's it. I don't know when the members joined exactly and as this is an AU, why should I care? I've also only read up to Vol. 52 of the manga which was a LONG time ago, so if characters are OOC I apologize. Then again, AU.**

* * *

**Chapter 4: Falling For You**

After fooling around and thoroughly inspecting my new body I decided to return to the real world. Although it seemed like I became a weird corpse to others, I felt perfectly fine inside my mindscape. I had been wondering if I could actually get hurt if I was in "stasis", for lack of a better word but considering that my body could still be interacted with (aka be carried around by Konan) I was pretty sure I would be vulnerable to my surroundings. _Note to self: only enter the game system when in a safe environment._ If I ever got attacked I wouldn't know what hit me until I was dead or more than likely greeted with a **"GAME OVER"**. Hoping I skipped a couple hours of walking, I exited my mind to be greeted by Konan's face which was _way too close!_

"Yargh!" I yelled and jumped away, only to land on a hard floor. Blinking, I looked around and realized that I was now in the famed Akatsuki base. Seems like I did manage to time skip, but I completely missed entering the base. Now I had no idea where we were. Shaking my head I stumbled to my feet all the while ignoring Konan's concern. Besides the three of us, all I could see was a long corridor filled with doors. _Lots of doors._

"So…" I drawled nonchalantly, trying to gloss over the fact I fell over like an idiot, "Which room is mine?"

"You're sleeping with your big nee-san, chibi-chan!" Konan squealed, nearly deafening Pein and I. Turning around, I stared at him with a deadpan expression. Looking helplessly at me, he opened his mouth to speak only for Konan to cut him off while with a tirade of "Kai's so cute!" and "I have to look after him!" and… I honestly think I'm gonna barf.

"Enough! The day I share a room is when the underworld freezes over!" I yelled, shocking Konan out of her mommy talk, "I am seventeen, woman, _seventeen_ and I can take care of myself! Now which room is mine!"

After I finished I was greeted with nothing but silence. Looking up slowly I saw that… was Konan _crying_? _Oh shit, I made Konan cry… what do I do? Damn damn damn_-

Next thing I know I was picked up and teleported away by Pein. Dizzy, I fell flat on my face onto (_thank god!_) carpet. I could barely make out Pein mutter a "look after the kid", and then there was silence. I lay still while mentally berating myself. _Damn, I didn't mean to hurt her feelings. I just… I had my own place, my own job, my own life… and for someone to treat me like a little kid? Of course I'd get pissed off. I just got my independence and now thanks to those stupid gods I'm back to being a kid again. But… I guess I should apologize… Konan never got the chance to ever have kids, so I guess I could act like one for her sake. And – _I froze as I heard rustling coming from above me. Looking up, I squeaked out a "Hi," as two figures towered over me. I was soon ignored though, as they began talking about what to do with me.

"A kid," one of them grumbled, "a kid. That's another mouth to feed, which means we'll have to spend more money. Kids are a waste of money" he growled. Pausing for a moment, he then muttered "I'll just take it out of Leader's account."

_O-kay then, pretty sure that's Kakuzu and the other person is…?_ _Well, seeing as there's only one redhead in the Akatsuki it must be Sasori._

I paled as he began talking; "I could just turn it into a puppet and then we wouldn't have to feed it. Also then it wouldn't run around and make trouble, either."

Gathering up my courage, I scrambled to my feet and frantically backed away from the puppet master.

"I'd be worthless as a puppet!" I said desperately. "I'm as weak as a civilian, maybe even weaker. Totally useless!"

I eyed him with terror as Sasori smirked and then said, "You could always be a pet."

Inhaling deeply, I prepared to scream my lungs out for help when Kakuzu spoke up; "If Leader-sama brought a kid here it's for a reason. I doubt he'll be pleased to find it harmed."

I nodded quickly, thankful for the masked man's presence. Kakuzu was one smart cookie. _And speaking of cookies…_

"Take me to your kitchen, human" I droned in a robotic voice.

Both men sweat dropped, and as Sasori turned to Kakuzu I heard him whisper "Are you sure I can't turn it into a puppet? It sounds like one already…"

I pointedly ignored the two and marched off towards a door. Living room's gotta be close to the kitchen, right? Extremely familiar *dings* sounded as I received two pop-ups.

* * *

***NEW SKILL CREATED***

**BLUFF (LV 0) – That's some mighty big talk, little man. Whether it'll work or not, who knows? Always worth a try though, right?**

* * *

***NEW SKILL CREATED***

**NAVIGATE (LV 0) – Whether by luck or smarts, you can find your way around. But just because you know where things are doesn't make you an expert.**

* * *

_Cool, more skills. Can never have too many of those._ Walking out the door, I looked around and voila! Kitchen. Knew it was there. Kitchens are always next to living rooms. Wandering over to the fridge, I grimaced as I opened the door. There was nothing but tofu, a couple of turnips and… pickles? What the… there must be better stuff in the cabinets, right? _I hope._ Deciding to be smart about my search I focused on the counter cupboards first. Poison… twenty-year-old cereal… nope, nothing there. _And why is there even a box of twenty-year-old cereal in the first place? I thought this base was like a year old. How does that happen!?_

Scowling, I stared up at my last resort: the cabinets attached to the ceiling. The _very_ far away ceiling. Considering my new height of about 5' and the ceiling being about 9', needless to say I was not going to be able to reach the top shelf. _Looks like I'm gonna have to do some climbing._ Clenching my jaw in determination, I pulled myself up and rolled onto the counter, much to the amusement of the two men. _How did they even get in here without me noticing – oh yeah, ninja._ Panting shallowly, I cursed my low stamina. Dazedly, I blinked and stared up at the bottom of the cabinets. As in, I was now stuck on the counter underneath the cabinets. _Stupid, stupid me._

Groaning, I slid off the counter and began to climb up yet again. The only difference was this time I managed to climb up high enough to put my feet on the counter, clinging onto the cupboard doors for dear life. I tried to ignore the men but it was pretty difficult, as they were freaking BETTING on whether I'd fall or if something would fall and hit me. _Damn Akatsuki with too much time on their hands._ Steeling myself, I nervously started to reach up with one hand to open the door when I heard an ominous *ding*. Before I could even realize what was happening, my vision was blocked by a huge pop-up. With horror, I felt my body fall and then land with a _thud!_ I groaned in pain as the pop-up glared at me mockingly.

* * *

"**LOVABLE IDIOT" TITLE ACTIVATED.**

* * *

**-xxxXxxx-**

Somewhere within the base Konan wept silently as Pein stood by, unsure of what to do. Suddenly, she stood up straight with a far-off look in her eyes before she darted off screaming "Don't worry chibi-chan, nee-san is coming!", leaving a stunned Pein behind. _Women are strange,_ he thought before following after her.

**-xxxXxxx-**

_What. The. Fudge. Is. HAPPENING. HERE!? Titles aren't supposed to activate. They have to be switched out. Don't tell me I have a broken system… and not in the good way. _

I whimpered in pain as I closed the message. That had _really_ hurt. Reaching up, I gingerly patted my head and it came away bloody. No wonder why it hurt so much… just out of curiosity I decided to see how much health I'd lost and immediately paled in horror.

**Health: 39/57**

Seriously?! I lost 33% of my health just by falling?! I was doomed. Doomed, doomed, doomed. If I ever tripped a couple of times, or gods forbid fell down the stairs I would die. The gods would probably have a huge laugh – "Hey, we sent some fool to another universe, gave them powers and guess what? They fell down the stairs and died! Cracks me up every time!"

**Health: 57/57**

And then my health was back to normal. That was weird… oh, Konan is here… wait what!

"I'm sorry!" I blurted out as she held me tightly, "I just… just…"

"It's alright, chibi-chan. I'm… I'm sorry too." Konan apologized, gently rocking me.

"Good!" I chirped, before trying to wriggle free, "Let me down nee-san!"

Konan squealed before squishing the daylight out of me. _Good, at least that problem is solved. It's still kind of annoying but maybe I can get used to this... _I gasped for air before going limp, causing Konan to panic once more. _I hope…_

Then something in Konan's head seemed to click. I was free and fell once more onto the floor as Konan growled, the air getting colder and the light dimming with her wrath.

"Now, how did chibi-chan get hurt?" she snarled.

Kakuzu and Sasori took one look at each other and bolted, quickly followed by a pissed off Konan. Pein and I were left behind, both of us staring and sweatdropping as loud yells and crashes rang throughout the base. _Hmm…_

"Got any food?" I asked innocently.

Pein eyed me suspiciously before pulling out (thankfully) a granola bar and not one of those (probably horrible) ration bars. Shoving it into my mouth I quietly muttered out a garbled "thanks". Swallowing, I turned to Pein who looked vaguely uneasy.

"Ya know, you're a pretty cool dude, Pein." He seemed surprised while I began to slowly wander away, all the while ignoring the sounds of two men getting their asses kicked by a pissed off Konan.

_...If only you weren't trying to take over the world…_

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**I finally got this chapter done! Woot woot! Writers block is a horrible thing, and as I am relatively new to writing it SUCKS. SO. BAD. Good news is I know where to take my story, bad news is I have trouble getting there. Oh well. Also, thanks for following and faving, everybody! Only four chapters and almost 30 follows? Wow! Thanks to my very first reviewer 006Sam! They posed a very reasonable statement which will be addressed in later chapters. Ta ta for now!**

**P.S. Anybody else buy clearance Halloween candy to gorge upon? **


	5. Chapter 5: Do You Know The Pumpkin Man?

**Hello again everybody! I hope everyone had wonderful holidays! So without further ado, here's Chapter 5. Also, Kai belongs to me. Well, this Kai. My Kai. No touchy. Also we got 10K words, peeps!**

* * *

**Chapter 5: Do You Know The Pumpkin Man?**

After the fighting had died down, we had all met back up in a den of some sorts. Comfy chairs, couches, and fluffy rugs inhabited the room. _Well, at least the Akatsuki got their priorities straight._ I had claimed a really comfy armchair only to be whisked away and placed onto Konan's lap. Staring mournfully at my chair, I ignored the others until Konan poked my side, causing me to yelp.

"What?" I snapped defensively as everyone stared at me.

Pein sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration.

"I said, there needs to be some rules involving your presence here. Got it?" Pein said, clearly exasperated.

"You know stress isn't good for your health. You need to chill out, man" I said jokingly.

The wave of killing intent that washed over me caused me to squeak out a "never mind".

"Good. First rule, all rooms are off limits except for your room and the common areas."

"But you can stay in my room any time, chibi-chan!" Konan squealed as she squeezed me tight, my ribs creaking under the pressure

_Note to self: Make a body pillow of me to give to Konan. It might just save my life. In fact, make a whole bunch of them. Then, Kawarimi whenever Konan gets the urge to squish me to death._

Ignoring Konan, Pein continued on; "Rule number two, leaving the base is forbidden unless in the company of a member."

_No problem with that. Pretty sure there's a few training grounds in the base anyways._

"Number three, everything you see or hear is to be kept secret." Pein paused for a moment, seeming to think of any other rules.

"Rule number four, no alcohol."

Everyone stared at Konan in shock, who had just blurted out what might possibly be the worst rule yet.

"What do you mean no alcohol?" I hissed as I scrabbled around, trying to face her.

"Exactly that, chibi. No alcohol."

"I'm seventeen, woman. Seventeen!" I countered, still trying to escape her constrictor-like grasp.

"You're a chibi, therefore your body can't metabolize as well as ours. No alcohol." Konan growled.

I fumed, wriggling around to try and get out of her hold but I couldn't. _Like heck I can't drink! I'm an adult damn it! But… she might have a point… and I never cared all that much about drinking… fine._ I stopped squirming about and hung my head.

"So do you agree with the rules?" Pein questioned me.

"Fine," I muttered, "but only if you answer my question."

He seemed to consider it for a bit before he nodded once.

"Well, in that case…" I sat up and suddenly pointed at Pein, "…do you know the pumpkin man?"

*crickets chirping*

"Huh?" said everyone.

"Do you know the pumpkin man?" I asked, yet again everyone seemed puzzled.

"DO YOU KNOW THE PUMPKIN MAN?!" I yelled, causing everyone to jump.

"You know, kinda crazy guy wearing an orange mask with one eyehole cut into it?" I asked, just to clarify.

"No." Said Pein rather bluntly.

_Oh. Okay then. But what about Zetsu?_

"How about a spiky creepy plant dude?" I demanded.

"No," growled just about everyone.

"Whew, that's a relief. Okay, I agree to your rules!" I cheered.

Sasori and Kakuzu just stared at me like I was an idiot, while Pein and Konan seemed to be amused. _Hey, it's not my fault that this world is strangely different. But now what are the Akatsuki after?_ Puzzled, I decided to ask yet the question.

"Um, who are you guys and what are you doing?"

At that question I could literally see everyone's brains grind to a halt. It was then that Konan decided to take the lead.

"Well, you already know Pein and I. Our group is the Akatsuki and Pein is the leader. The guy wearing the mask is Kakuzu, and the other guy with red hair is Sasori. Our goal is to bring peace to the world." Konan explained gently, the others twitching away at the information she was giving out.

"Cool." I said, everyone sighing in relief.

It really wasn't that big of a deal. Maybe if I was a kid, sure, but just because I was Hatsune Miku mini-me doesn't mean that I was a kid. Also, did they think I would blab or something? Even if I wanted to I wouldn't be able to. Falling from a height of four feet took away 33% of my health. Heck, they could let me run away and I'd still die without them doing anything. But for now there were more pressing concerns.

"Question," I stated, and everyone tensed up yet again, "where's the bathroom?"

Everyone visibly relaxed as I mentally shook my head. _Sheesh, they're so easy to troll. Mental note: troll everyone._

**-xxxXxxx-**

After I had managed to finish doing my business (it took awhile to figure out how to do it as I now had an extra part) I was washing my hands (as you do). Just for the heck of it I decided to check and see if I had gotten any new skills from my antics earlier on in the day. Once again my vision was filled with a couple of pop-ups. It was strange that I hadn't heard any *ding*s but I guess I got used to and tuned out the sound, or I just wasn't paying attention.

* * *

***NEW SKILL CREATED***

**INTEROGATION (LV 1) – A small, cute individual barking out questions is quite disturbing. Throwing people off track and playing mind games is the way to success! Or at least, to get your questions answered.**

* * *

***NEW SKILL CREATED***

**PAIN RESISTANCE (LV 0) – Ouch, that hurts! Or does it? By experiencing pain you become used to it, and it's not quite as shocking and debilitating when you become injured.**

* * *

***NEW SKILL CREATED***

**FALL RESISTANCE (LV 0) – Go jump off a cliff! Actually, don't. After falling many times you will become used to it, and will always land on your feet. With greater skill will come greater height. **

**Current Height: 1m (3'3'')**

* * *

Looking at the last skill, I snorted. Wow, now I could jump into the air and land on my feet. Big deal. It would be really cool once it leveled up, though. I always wanted to go bungee jumping, so if I got this skill high enough I could do it without the rope. Also, I think the gods are trying to push me to be all _Assassin's Creeds_y, what with my white robes and all. Not that I minded. No, my only problem was with the pain resistance. To level it up I'd have to get hurt, and I'd rather not become a masochist.

Sighing, I closed the pop-ups and dried my hands. _Let me just see if I can change the HUD first._ I managed to find the options, and let me tell you there were some really interesting ones. I won't get into the all details, I'll just mention them if they ever come up. I decided to make the pop-ups hidden, kept the *ding* sound for notifications, and changed it so that I could constantly see my energy and health at all times. I was still wondering why I had energy and not chakra, but maybe I needed to unlock it or something. Or, I was using a completely different system which would be great. No hand seals for me!

Finished, I walked back to the den where only Pein and Konan remained. **Navigate** sure helped me out, otherwise I'm sure I would've gotten lost in the long corridors. Sadly, I was once again glomped by Konan. I was going to have to make those body pillows ASAP. Konan sat me down in her lap while Pein looked rather solemn as he stared at me. Finally he opened up his mouth to speak.

"You said that you are aware of yourself owning kekkai genkai. Explain."

I fidgeted nervously atop of Konan. _Should I tell them? Should I not? Then again, since Konan likes me there really isn't anything that he could do to me. In fact, he'd probably help me. You can't have dead weight in a group like this. Alright, I'll tell them._

"I know things. Things… that I probably shouldn't know. I also know how healthy, skilled I am and how much energy I have at all times."

Pein face palmed.

"And?" he asked, his voice muffled by his hand.

"Um… I can get better doing things with practice? Oh, and there's also things that I apparently can't do."

Pein groaned exasperatedly into his palm.

"Umm… let me think… oh yeah! I have this book!" Yanking out my giant book I waved it around in the air. Thinking quickly, I also yanked out my very (in)conspicuous white robe.

"I also have these!"

Suddenly I felt a hand patting my head. Turning around, I saw Konan looking down at me with a motherly expression on her face.

"So you can store items, chibi! I'm so proud of you," she said kindly, all the while patting my head.

Growling in displeasure, I knocked her hand away. Like heck I'd let her be condescending towards my awesome powers! However, now that I thought about it, was having a system really so different? _Especially with a faulty system like this one_, I grumbled internally. Well, in any case I had told them my powers and if they didn't believe me it was on them.

"So…" I let my voice drag out, waiting for a response.

Lifting his head, Pein sighed heavily before slowly nodding his head.

"You may stay. However, you will need to be trained in order to protect yourself. Once you become strong enough you will join our group. As I do not have time, Konan shall arrange the training for you, and see to your needs."

With that, Pein stood up and quickly left, leaving me with Konan. With… Konan… I slowly turned around at gazed at Konan in terror. She had a wide, creepy smile and a strange look in her eyes. I could almost see a dark aura surrounding her. Slowly, she began to speak;

"You know chibi-kun... it isn't very safe… to be alone… don't worry… I'll make sure you stay safe…"

_Pein! What did you do?! Why did you leave me with this woman?! She's turning into a yandere! How could you leave a fellow man behind to deal with this… this… _Konan began chuckling darkly to herself, all the while holding me tighter and tighter. And so, at that point in time I did what I had to do-

I screamed like the girl I was. Or used to be. Anyway, someone has to save me, right? Right? As I felt Konan's arms constricting tighter around me, I found myself wishing for Kakuzu or heck, even Sasori to rescue me from the she-demon. As the seconds ticked by, a sinking feeling ran throughout my body. I was doomed, wasn't I? Unless…

_Teleport! Teleport, teleport, teleport, teleport! Teleport! Tele-_ *ding*

I found myself outside the den, staring at the door that separated me and the now yandere Konan. The door… _argh!_

I yelped and darted away as fast as I could. I had no idea how long it would take until Konan figured out where I had gone, but I was _not_ going to stick around to wait and see. I'd rather get lost in the base than be captured by _her_, which was exactly what I was going to do. Get lost, that is. Or at least, stay away from Konan. And now that I had **Navigate** along with what would probably be called **Teleport**, Konan would have to bring me back kicking and screaming.

**-xxxXxxx-**

_Elsewhere._

As angry howls and shrieks rang throughout his base, Pein sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. Silently, he looked up as if begging for help. Somehow he doubted that his base would ever be peaceful again. And with Konan in one of her moods… well… he gladly welcomed the stacks of paperwork awaiting his attention. At least his office was soundproof.

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**Once again, thanks for reading! Five chapters and already 40 follows? Sweet! Thanks, everyone! Also, on another note... stop spamming my inbox! I am neither looking to steal your soul, nor "find" young hot girls. SO. PLEASE. STOP. Everyone else, feel free to review, PM... whatever. Just be aware that I'm hardly ever online.**


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